Golf Jokes

Golf is like a love affair: if you don't take it seriously, it's not fun; if you do take it seriously, it breaks your heart. -- Arnold Daly

Golf and sex are the only things you can enjoy without being good at it.
-- Jimmy Demaret

One of the advantages bowling has over golf is that you seldom lose a bowling ball.
-- Don Carter; professional bowler

We learn so many things from golf . . . how to suffer, for instance.
-- Bruce Lansky

While playing golf today I hit two good balls, I stepped on a rake.
-- Henny Youngman

If you drink, don't drive. Don't even putt.
-- Dean Martin

I know I'm getting better at golf because I'm hitting fewer spectators.
-- Gerald Ford

I'll always remember the day I broke ninety.  I had a few beers in the clubhouse and was so excited I forgot to play the back nine.
-- Bruce Lansky

It took me seventeen years to get three thousand hits in baseball.  I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.
-- Hank Aaron

God must have loved the double bogey golfer, because he made so many of them.

The only thing in my bag that works is the bug spray.
-- Bruce Lansky

I've thought about buying those new, lon-distance balls, but I wonder -- what's the point of hitting golf balls even further out of bounds?
-- Bruce Lansky

The golf pro is giving a lesson to one of his club members.  "Now, first of all, just take a few swings without hitting the ball," says the pro.  "hell, I've already mastered that shot," says the member.  "I'm payhing you to teach me how to hit it."

Ben (Crenshaw) came to me when he was about eight years old.   We cut off a seven iron for him. I showed him a good grip, and we went outside.  There was a green about seventy-five yeards away.  I asked Ben to tee up a ball and hit it onto the green.  he did.  Then I said, "Now, let's go to the green and putt the ball into the hole."  Little Ben asked, "If you wanted it in the hole, why didn't you tell me the first time?"
-- Harvey Penick

The more I practice, the luckier I get.
-- Gary Player

My golf pro said, "Practice makes perfect," He lied.
-- Bruce Lansky

I don't need practice.  I need a miracle.
-- Bruce Ashworth

The best place to refine your swing is, of course, right out on the practice range . . . You will have an opportunity to make the same mistakes over and over again so that you no longer have to think about them, and they become part of your game.

The secret of a perfect golf swings remains a secret.
-- Bruce Lansky

Golfer: I've never played this poorly before.  Caddie: You've played before?
-- Fred Metcalf

Hacker: Any ideas on how I can cut about ten strokes off my score?  Caddie: Yes, quit on seventeen.
Melvin Helitzer

Marge: I had to call you.  Walter has left me.
Helen: Don't worry. He's left you before, but he always comes back.
Marge: Not this time.  He took his golf clubs.
-- Bruce Lansky

First Golfer: I got some new golf clubs for my wife.
Second Golfer: Gee, that's great! I wish I could make a trade like that!

Golfer (to members ahead): Pardon, but would you mind if I played through?  I've just heard that my wife has been taken seriously ill.

Eric: My wife says if I don't give up golf she'll leave me.
Ernie: That's terrible.
Eric: I know, I'm really gonna miss her.

My ex-wife has never broken 150.  I wish she'd stop telling people I taught her how to play golf.
-- Bruce Lansky

Honey, do you have anything to say before the golf season starts?

My wife doesn't care what I do when I'm away, as long as I don't have a good time.
-- Lee Trevino

Wife: You think so much of your golf game you don't even remember when we were married.
Husband: Of course I do, my dear. It was the day I sank that thirty-foot putt.

Player: Can I reach it with a five iron?
Caddie: Eventually.

What goes ujp must come down. But don't expect it to come down where you can find it.
-- Lily Tomlin

In case of a thunderstorm, stand in the middle of the fairway and hold up a one iron.  Not even God can hit a one iron.
-- Lee Trevino

When I was a kid, my father taught me the best way to handle a strong wind. Stay in the clubhouse.
-- Bruce Lansky

I play golf as much as I could in Canada (North Dakota), but summer up there is pretty short.  It usually falls on Tuesday.

First Golfer:  I hit so many balls into the woods I lost all my balls.
Second Golfer: That's nothing. I hit so many balls into the woods I lost my caddie.
-- Bruce Lansky

A priest was about to tee off over a lake on a par three hole.  Because he was not confident that he could carry the water, he teed up an old ball, and just as he was about to hit, a voice from above said, "Put down a new ball,"  So he changed to a new ball and was about to hit when the voice said, "Take a practice swing." The priest took a practice swing and again stepped ujp to the ball, only to hear the voice say, "Put down the old ball."

Actually, the Lord answers my prayers everywhere except on the course.
-- Billy Graham

If you are going to throw a club, it is important to tghrow it ahead of you, down the fairway, so you don't have to waste energy going back to pick it up.
-- Tommy Bolt

-- Craig Stadler
Why am I using a new putter?  Because the old one didn't float too well.

Talking to a golf ball won't do you any good.  Unless you do it while your opponent is teeing off.
-- Bruce Lansky

Manager: I'm sorry, sir we have not time open on the course today.
Golfer: Wait a minute, what if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up?  I'm sure you'd find a starting time for them.
Manager: Of course we would, sir.
Golfer: Well, I happen to know they're not coming, so we'll take their time.

I have a tip that can take five strokes off anyone's golf game.  It's called an eraser.
-- Arnold Palmer

You don't know what pressure is until you play for five bucks with only two in your pocket.
-- Lee Trevino

Two avid golfers were sitting in the clubhouse.  One said to his friend, "I'm sorry to hear that your uncle passed away last week.  I understand it was while you two were playing golf.  I hear you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse.  That must have been very hard for you considering he weighed over two hundred pounds." Oh, carrhying him wasn't that hard," said his friend, sadly.  "The difficult part was putting him down . . . and then picking him up again after each stroke."